But, but …
I believe they call this the ‘ol’ switcheroo.’
Next time, let Lawrence Phillips win
Model citizen and former NFL running back, Lawrence Phillips, was ordered to serve 10 years in prison Friday, two years after being convicted of a mere seven counts of assault with a deadly weapon.
Dude is just misunderstood, I swear.
However, the most startling part of the story details the crime Phillips committed to land him in jail in 2005:
The 33-year-old former Nebraska running back has been jailed since August 2005, when he drove onto a field near Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum and his car struck three boys, ages 14 and 15, and a 19-year-old man, who suffered cuts and bruises. The car narrowly missed four other people, prosecutor Todd Hicks.
Phillips was allegedly upset after losing a pickup football game to the youths and accused them of stealing some of his possessions.
“When he gets angry and he feels disrespected, he acts out with blind rage,” Hicks said in a telephone interview after the sentencing.
…
“I’m sorry that your leg is messed up,” Phillips told Rodney Flores, after hearing the young man tell the court that he was unable to pursue his dream of playing high school sports as a result of being hit when he was 16.
See? I told you he was just misunderstood. You shouldn’t beat Lawrence Phillips in pickup football and just expect to walk away unscathed.
Lessons, however, come in all shapes and sizes. 10 years from now, when Phillips gets out of the pen, I bet you dollars to donuts he locks his shit in his car next time he plays pickup football.
Your card is worth shit, Rent.com
I’ve been living with my girlfriend for a little over a month now. We found our apartment by doing various Internet searches for “apartments in … .” Eventually, we found an apartment we both liked and made a final decision. One of the many sites that featured this apartment was Rent.com. On Rent.com, if you claim and verify that you found your new apartment on their site, they’ll send you a personal debit card with a $100 balance. Pretty nice. All you have to do is fill out some online forms and about 4-6 weeks later, voila, your card arrives in the mail.
Sounds pretty nice and simple.
We’ve authenticated and authorized; signed the back and what-not. Now, how are we going to use this newfound monetary freedom? I suggest groceries. Not a bad idea.
So, we’ve done the grocery dance – walking up and down all the aisles – browsing, picking up, putting back and we’re in the checkout line. My girlfriend suggests I go browse the Redbox vendor (maybe worthy of a separate post), so I do. I’m browsing when my girlfriend walks up to me and says, “hey, the card won’t work.” Ugh, here we go, I think as I walk back to the checkout counter. The clerk is some teenage girl, so I’m pretty sure I won’t get any help there. So, in an exercise of futility, I swipe the card and follow the necessary steps only to see the card has been rejected yet again. I sigh and choke back unbridled rage as I pull out my bank card and proceed to pay. Of course, after the payment clears, the clerk says something to the effect of: “oh, maybe it didn’t work because the card is for $100 and the bill was $101.xx.”
“Yes, maybe,” I say, as I try not to accidentally run her over repeatedly with the shopping cart.
$101 lighter. Thank you, Rent.com.
Which brings me to a few days ago. I’m on a video assignment for work when I realize that the current time is a good time to fill my car up with gasoline. I pull in and select my preferred method of payment thinking, ok, the grocery trip was an aberration, this shit’s got to work.
Um, no. I pay with my ATM card again, and pull away from the pump in a huff. Now, roughly $140 lighter.
But I digress, this piece of shit card has worked on something. Redbox, that sexy little DVD vending machine. It works on you. At $1.06 a pop, however, it’s going to take me a good deal of movie-watching to get that $100 worth. But, by god, I will be getting my money’s worth.
Thanks again Rent.com, you sons of bitches.
Passing on the McCain ‘freedom fries’
I just moved into an apartment with my girlfriend in the past two weeks. We went to the grocery store to pick up a few things the other day, french fries being on the list. We’re in the frozen food aisle and I’m browsing the hundred different brands and types of french fry. “I think I’ll get some steak fries,” I say to my girlfriend, and proceed to pick up two different brands. Giant brand and McCain brand.
Now, I should emphasize, the issue of discussing politics makes me physically ill. I find political pissing matches to be hilarious, as if one party is holier than the other. Yes, they’ve both done shady things, we get it. W. and his henchmen ran this country into the ground, they sukk! But Congress, those Democratic bastards, they stood by and did nothing! Blah, blah, blah, a million times over. Vote for who you want, I don’t care. But, I know who and what I like, as well as why I’ll be voting for him. Anyway, while it was a completely random and almost pointless act, I decided to place the McCain fries back in the freezer and put the Giant bag into the basket. I’d hate the idea of eating 71-year-old potatoes, plus I saved maybe $.60 or .$70 cents in the meantime. So, I figure I got that going for me, which is nice.
Handsome devils!
DMX arrested one more time
Um, let me just put this broken record back on the phonograph. Rapper DMX (Earl Simmons) has been arrested yet again, this time in Phoenix for giving a false name and Social Security number to get out of paying medical bills.
Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio said that when DMX, whose real name is Earl Simmons, went to Scottsdale’s Mayo Clinic in April, he used the name “Troy Jones” and failed to pay a $7,500 bill.
Somebody, anybody, I dare you to keep him in jail. I fucking dare you.
Oh, and arf arf!
Surprise, surprise
Aaaand … he’s coming back. After the initial story — noting Favre could be, ya know, kinda, slightly, secretly interested in playing football again — I’m sure this news comes as a surprise to absolutely no one. What is surprising is that the Packers have decided not to play sweetheart to Favre and now the good ol’ boy is looking elsewhere to gunsling, have fun and be good for America.
Let’s also not forget that Favre is coming off a pretty remarkable season last year. Half of the NFL teams should be thinking about signing him because half of the starting quarterbacks in the NFL probably couldn’t lace Favre’s cleats, much less lead a team to the playoffs.
But now that all this news has broken, the next set of questions to think about is: How will the old man hold up and how well will he adjust to a new system so late in his career? My hunch. Not so well.
Sidenote: Hey, ESPN, copy editor at lunch?
Aaron Rodgers, who will be entering his fourth season with the Packers, is Favre’s heir apparent. ESPN.com’s Ed Werder interviewed Rogers, who was playing at celevbrity golf tournament in Lake Tahoe, Friday.
“There’s nothing I can tell you about the situation,” said Rogers, who refused to comment further.
Favre is ‘itchy’
Lovin’ this bit of news, LOVIN’ it! C’mon back Farrrve. It’s almost as though, no, it couldn’t be, yes, it’s almost as though someone predicted this the day he announced his retirement.
C’mon Brett, prove me right. Meanwhile, Aaron Rodgers is buying stock in Preparation H.
DMX arrested twice in one week, for the second time
Get some sleep, D, sweet jesus.
Rapper DMX (Earl Simmons) is slippin’, he’s fallin’, he can’t get up. The X-man was arrested for attempting to buy cocaine and weed yesterday during a drug sweep near Miami. Monday, DMX was pulled over and charged for driving without a license, also outside of Miami.
A little over a month ago, the embattled emcee was arrested on misdemeanor animal cruelty charges and felony drug possession charges.
That would be correct. According to the two articles, this is the second time in two months that DMX has been arrested twice in one week. Got that?
I could keep telling you about the rap sheet that DMX has tallied over the past several years or you could just Google “DMX” and “arrest.” I think he’s been arrested about 27 times. Of course I’m exaggerating, but for all I know that could actually be an understatement.
I’d say that this looks like great material for DMX’s new album, but alas, I think he’s already covered it. From the song “Heat,” off of “Flesh of My Flesh, Blood of My Blood:”
The heat is on, what’s my next move
Do I stick with the score, or get with the door
Feds got the drop in the back of the Uhaul
Snipers on the roof, chance of getting away too small
Tell ‘em like this look, it’s gonna be a shoot out
Whoever make it out, meet back at the new house, good luck
If I don’t see you again, peace
Let’s handle our business with these government police
Wanted: a $9 refund
Guilt is a nasty motivator. A few weeks ago, my friend asked me, via text message, if I’d like to see the latest “installment” of the Incredible Hulk movies. “No,” I replied, “I think I’ll pass on all that ‘Hulkamania.’”
To which my friend oh-so-cleverly texted, “your [sic] gay.”
Oh, that’s kind of you. You’ve changed my mind, I do want to see it now!
So, when this same friend called me Tuesday, to ask if I wanted to see a movie Friday, I knew I had little chance of weaseling out. Don’t get me wrong, I love going to the movies, love watching movies at home, love talking about movies. But, now that everything costs an arm and a leg, I don’t make as many trips to the theater as before. I don’t have a problem tossing a $10 bill towards a movie that looks genuinely good, cool or hilarious. ‘Pineapple Express,’ ‘The Dark Knight’ and ‘Righteous Kill‘ come to mind. But ‘Wanted?’ Come the fuck on. The trailer for this movie showed absolutely no promise. Bending bullets? Please. Angelina Jolie as a badass? That’s quickly becoming one of the most overdone, hackneyed, Hollywood clichès going today. Tomb Raider, Gone in 60 Seconds, Mr. and Mrs. Smith, christ, we get it. I’m sure there are like 3-5 more that I’m missing. And that’s just what I hated about the trailer.
“Wanted” in itself, is a one hour and forty-eight minute clichè. The aggressive use of slow-motion “bullet-time” was moderately interesting the first time I saw it in ‘The Matrix.’ ‘Wanted’ uses this and similar camera effects ad nauseum throughout the entire movie. It’s literally a hodgepodge of every action movie you’ve ever seen. It’s like ‘Fight Club’ and ‘The Matrix’ had a baby at a nuclear power plant, and the result is this absurdly imbecilic spawn.
But, it does have a ridiculous montage. “Oooh, even Rocky had a montage … montaaage.”
There is a scene in the very beginning of the movie where a man takes a running start and leaps out of a skyscraper’s window, across a giant span of air, and onto the rooftop of another adjacent building. He does this all while firing bullets from guns in each hand and hitting his targets squarely in the forehead. It does not improve after this.
A little bit later a car chase ensues … between a delivery truck and a 2008 Dodge Viper. Yea, try as Jolie and main character Douchie McGee might, but they just can’t seem to distance themselves from that damn dogged-as-hell delivery truck. Fucking truck must run a 0-60 in four seconds. I believe it.
Towards the end, an action sequence featuring Douchie McGee and “the bad guy” results in them each firing three shots at each other. The bullets (which bend in the air, mind you) collide head-on each time, crumble and then fall to the ground. To coin a phrase from Montgomery Burns, “not once, not twice, but thrice.”
I could go on? But the more sequences I conjure up, the more worked up I get. Morgan Freeman plays the ringleader for this little group of assassins. Morgan Freeman. They make Morgan Freeman say “mother fucker” for crying out loud. That just ain’t right.
They throw a few plot twists into the mix that are about as hard to decipher as a connect-the-dots puzzle. No freakin’ way. That guy isn’t who you led us to believe he is? I did not see that one coming, my friend.
Though, the most surprising aspect of the movie did not come from the movie at all. The theater was packed. Not wanting to see the movie in the first place wasn’t bad enough, I was treated to front row seats to the debacle.
Anyway, this horse is now on the ground and thoroughly bloodied. ‘Wanted’ is an amusing movie — it will make you laugh — just not in the comedic sense.
My grade: 68%
yesssss
Two video games that have gobbled up countless hours of my life are coming out, or have come out, with sequels. Hot Shots Golf: Open Tee 2, the sequel to Hot Shots Golf: Open Tee, was released June 3. The original was, by far, the most addictive golf game I have ever played. The PS2 version, not so much. Hot Shots provides a not-so-serious, arcade-style, golf gaming experience. The gameplay is fairly easy to learn and master, but the music, childish graphics and cutscenes and annoying yet repetitive voiceovers are enough to make you want to eat your PSP. I turn the sound down, or off, listen to music or keep the TV on to help soak up some of the needless poo. Other than those minor annoyances, I’ve found the gameplay to be quite phenomenal, especially for a PSP game.
I don’t own this game just yet, but it’s on the list, oh yes, it’s on the list.
Open Tee 2 is priced at $29.99 brand new, with the original Open Tee probably hovering between the $10 and $20 mark these days.
The second game, in which I will purchase the day it comes out, is MLB Power Pros 2008 for the Nintendo Wii. The first one, simply MLB Power Pros, is probably one of my favorite video games, ever. I’ve written/raved about this game before here. It appears to be almost the exact same game as last year, only with updated rosters. Sadly, for sports games, this is usually enough of an incentive for me to buy it. Don’t eff with a good thing.
MLB Power Pros 2008 is slated for a July 28 release. It will probably fetch around $40.
I’m going to see that “Wanted” movie tonight, maybe I’ll let you know how bad it sucked tomorrow …
