mistercellaneous

Guilt is a nasty motivator. A few weeks ago, my friend asked me, via text message, if I’d like to see the latest “installment” of the Incredible Hulk movies. “No,” I replied, “I think I’ll pass on all that ‘Hulkamania.’”

To which my friend oh-so-cleverly texted, “your [sic] gay.”

Oh, that’s kind of you. You’ve changed my mind, I do want to see it now!

So, when this same friend called me Tuesday, to ask if I wanted to see a movie Friday, I knew I had little chance of weaseling out. Don’t get me wrong, I love going to the movies, love watching movies at home, love talking about movies. But, now that everything costs an arm and a leg, I don’t make as many trips to the theater as before. I don’t have a problem tossing a $10 bill towards a movie that looks genuinely good, cool or hilarious. ‘Pineapple Express,’ ‘The Dark Knight’ and ‘Righteous Kill‘ come to mind. But ‘Wanted?’ Come the fuck on. The trailer for this movie showed absolutely no promise. Bending bullets? Please. Angelina Jolie as a badass? That’s quickly becoming one of the most overdone, hackneyed, Hollywood clichès going today. Tomb Raider, Gone in 60 Seconds, Mr. and Mrs. Smith, christ, we get it. I’m sure there are like 3-5 more that I’m missing. And that’s just what I hated about the trailer.

“Wanted” in itself, is a one hour and forty-eight minute clichè. The aggressive use of slow-motion “bullet-time” was moderately interesting the first time I saw it in ‘The Matrix.’ ‘Wanted’ uses this and similar camera effects ad nauseum throughout the entire movie. It’s literally a hodgepodge of every action movie you’ve ever seen. It’s like ‘Fight Club’ and ‘The Matrix’ had a baby at a nuclear power plant, and the result is this absurdly imbecilic spawn.

But, it does have a ridiculous montage. “Oooh, even Rocky had a montage … montaaage.”

There is a scene in the very beginning of the movie where a man takes a running start and leaps out of a skyscraper’s window, across a giant span of air, and onto the rooftop of another adjacent building. He does this all while firing bullets from guns in each hand and hitting his targets squarely in the forehead. It does not improve after this.

A little bit later a car chase ensues … between a delivery truck and a 2008 Dodge Viper. Yea, try as Jolie and main character Douchie McGee might, but they just can’t seem to distance themselves from that damn dogged-as-hell delivery truck. Fucking truck must run a 0-60 in four seconds. I believe it.

Towards the end, an action sequence featuring Douchie McGee and “the bad guy” results in them each firing three shots at each other. The bullets (which bend in the air, mind you) collide head-on each time, crumble and then fall to the ground. To coin a phrase from Montgomery Burns, “not once, not twice, but thrice.”

I could go on? But the more sequences I conjure up, the more worked up I get. Morgan Freeman plays the ringleader for this little group of assassins. Morgan Freeman. They make Morgan Freeman say “mother fucker” for crying out loud. That just ain’t right.

They throw a few plot twists into the mix that are about as hard to decipher as a connect-the-dots puzzle. No freakin’ way. That guy isn’t who you led us to believe he is? I did not see that one coming, my friend.

Though, the most surprising aspect of the movie did not come from the movie at all. The theater was packed. Not wanting to see the movie in the first place wasn’t bad enough, I was treated to front row seats to the debacle.

Anyway, this horse is now on the ground and thoroughly bloodied. ‘Wanted’ is an amusing movie — it will make you laugh — just not in the comedic sense.

My grade: 68%